I wanted to share this short story from a friend and fellow trainer. This illustrates the power of empathy and gift we give when we curb our impulse to fix and just listen. I sometimes deal with self-doubt and self-condemnation both about my ‘ability’ and my ‘looks’ and what has been most nourishing when I express it to someone is empathy. In response to my expressing doubt or self-judgment I have sometimes had people tell me, “But I think you’re really___________ (smart, competent, attractive, thin – take your pick!). That might provide a momentary hit of solace but it’s never as satisfying as when someone ignores the story and simply offers an empathic guess. “Are you worried because you ____?” Then a deeper conversation can happen and both listener and speaker can be involved in a process of inquiry and openness.

From Jerry Koch-Gonzalez, an NVC trainer in Western Massachusetts: “My neighbor, a teacher in my son’s elementary school, recounted this exchange that happened in her NVC-experienced classroom. I enjoyed it so much I am sharing it with you. A parent volunteer noticed a child’s disappointment in not being picked to deliver the day’s weather report to the classroom. The volunteer said to that First Grade student “It’s not so bad, maybe you’ll be picked tomorrow.” The First Grader replied “I’m not really into the problem solving thing. I just want somebody to listen.“