“He’s such a jerk. How could he have said that?”

When I hear the types of comments above in my work with people, I feel sad because I don’t trust people will get their needs met coming from this thinking. I understand we need to work through our anger, disappointment, hurt, etc. I think the quicker we can do that and shift our thinking to get to needs, the more peace we can have within. I’ve found for myself that sometimes there is a hook in staying angry. Sometimes I want to protect myself from the pain of not getting my needs met. Anger and criticism is a way for me to avoid that. When I’m in anger and criticism, though, it’s not that I don’t suffer. I suffer differently. My focus is outside.

When I can connect to my needs, my focus is internal. This can be scary and painful. I may feel vulnerable and hopeless about getting my needs met when the focus is no longer on what someone did or said. I don’t spin out thinking of how I could have said this or they could have said that. I am faced with, sometimes, a void where there is a deep mourning for the needs. Often, though, out of that can be a sense of empowerment. Clearly knowing my needs has allowed me to mourn actions that didn’t get them met and consider alternatives for now or the future. I have more learning and resources at my disposal.

If you’d like to transform anger, criticism, blame, etc. and connect to your needs you can follow these steps:

1. What are you telling yourself? What are the thoughts about this? For instance, “He criticized me”
2. Stimulus (Record the exact words or action, as best as you can remember it. A quote works well here.)
3. Feelings Write the feelings related to each of the listed thoughts. For instance, “I feel hurt.”
4. Needs. Write the needs related to each of the listed thoughts. For instance, “I would like care and consideration.”
5. Write out an empathic guess for yourself around the thoughts, using the feelings and needs you listed (i.e. “Am I feeling ___ because I need ___?”).
6. Now take a moment in a quiet setting to sit with the Needs and feel them in your body or imagine them in your mind
7. Pick one or two needs that speak to you most of all the ones you listed.
8. Write down any insights that you have into this situation after sitting with the needs.
9. Allow for an action request to arise – of yourself or another. For instance, I will speak with a friend about this and ask for empathy. Or, I will ask a friend to help me prepare a conversation with this person so I can be heard.