Last night I was on a call with the Peace Alliance about the shooting in Tucson, AZ that affected many, including Representative Gabrielle Giffords, who is in critical condition after a gunshot to the head. John Kinyon, one of the NVC trainers I’ve worked with over the past couple of years was there to help facilitate the conversation. I joined because I was distressed about the event and by a comment I saw by a member of the Palin team. I also welcomed the opportunity to hear how we could have a conversation that didn’t deteriorate into name-calling and blame.
“The “Take Back the 20″ campaign launched by Palin’s PAC and posted on her Facebook page (taken down since the shooting) presented crosshairs on targeted districts, with the former Alaska governor urging backers: “Don’t retreat, instead RELOAD.” Despite the gun-laden inferences, Palin aide Rebecca Mansour said the crosshairs were “never, ever intended to be gun sights” and could be interpreted as “surveyor” marks, reports the Washington Post. They were “simply crosshairs like you’d see on maps,” Mansour told Tammy Bruce in an interview. “It never occurred to us that anybody would consider it violent,” added Mansour. I felt disheartened and mystified and wanted accountability and a shared reality that using crosshairs and “RELOAD”could be seen as violent, even if that wasn’t their intention.
During the call people got a chance to express their sadness, fear, anger and to be heard. John took time to check if he understood what people wanted to express. It was a slower conversation, one in which we took time to connect with how we felt and our underlying concerns.
Then we moved into “action steps.” I got tense. In my experience, we want to move to action more quickly than I enjoy because it’s so painful to watch what’s happening and feel it; but in moving forward there isn’t always space to feel the pain and consider what would be compassionate action. I was relieved when John proposed the following action steps because I believe with this level of grounding we can move out to act with more grace and care and affect a longer-range peace.
If you’re holding judgments about this issue, I encourage you to take some time and follow the steps that John gave on the call. I’m confident it will help contribute to more peace; I already feel more understanding, compassion and peace in me having done it.
- If you have any judgments (seeing a person or group as wrong, evil, etc.) notice what your judgments are. Write them down, say them out loud – whatever you need to do to acknowledge them. My judgment is, “The Palin team is hateful and ignorant. They’re cowards who won’t take responsibility for promoting hatred.”
- What are your needs behind these judgments? “I would like leadership that supports mutual respect and understanding. I would like care in how we communicate messages so life is honored. I would like accountability for how we may influence others with our language and actions.”
- Empathize with the needs the other person or group is trying to meet. I’m guessing the Palin team wants acceptance and consideration. Maybe they need compassion and to be seen for their humanity. Hearing that you’re to blame for someone’s death / health is difficult. Who wouldn’t want to defend themselves? Safety. Maybe we’re so desensitized to violence due to movies, media, etc. that they didn’t see the harm in using crosshairs. Maybe they need trust and respect for what they believe to be true? Freedom of expression? For people to be accountable for their own actions? Can you think of others?
- In conversations with others about this or similar issues, empathize with the needs they’re trying to express. It might come out as it did with one of the people in my breakout group on the call. “I feel violated.” I’m guessing he might have felt sad or anxious…he could have been needing privacy, safety, trust, space, respect…When talking to others you can keep it simple. With the example above I asked him, “With all the media in town are you wanting more privacy & space?”
In doing this work we become more fluent in translating judgments and can connect to people at a level where cooperation is possible. Then we can work together more effectively, embodying the values of compassion, care, freedom and love that we so want to see. May we have compassion for all who have been affected and for those who act out of such confusion.
Post your own judgments and translations – I’d love to hear them!
