July 16th, 2010 by Bonnie Mioduchoski
I have wanted to work in a prison for many years but have never taken the time to do so. I remember ending a six-week silent meditation retreat inspired to volunteer. A man who volunteered regularly at San Quentin heard about my enthusiasm and talked with me about ways I could volunteer. He was with the Buddhist Peace Fellowship. We talked a bit and then he asked, “Why do you want to volunteer.” I choked up as I said I was motivated to do so because my brother was in prison. I felt a mixture of shame and deep mourning. It had always struck me as tragic and somewhat surreal that my brother would be “doing time,” the way he was. I won’t even get into my sense of bewilderment at how much time he’s doing for what I would consider mildly harmless impulsiveness.
So, finally, 4 years later I found a person who had started a prison meditation group, through a friend. He was looking for people to support the men by coming in periodically. They were in the Zen tradition but were less concerned about the type of Buddhism and more concerned with hearing and sharing the Dharma. My husband, the friend who found the group and I went in one evening with the group’s founder. I really enjoyed it and was so inspired by their practice and dedication. We decided to go forward and become regular volunteers and would attend a day-long with them later in the summer. However, I was denied because I have a dharma pen pal in Massachusetts and she and I have been sharing letters for four years now.
Apparently they have a rule that once you choose the route of communicating directly with prisoners in the same state you cannot volunteer. I empathized and tried to understand the concerns behind the rule. I didn’t get anywhere. Rather than lose my temper, which I was temped to do, I connected with my sadness. I told the interim director, “I’m really sad because I had been looking forward to supporting these guys in their practice and learning from them.” Her voice became softer.
“I know,” she said. “But there are many other ways you could help out – what about re-entry programs? Many people think of the prisons but forget all the support people need when they’re out.” So she put me in touch with the director of volunteer services to see if he could recommend programs to me. Suddenly my fixation on working with prisoners in a prison dropped. I connected to the need for support and contribution and the field of strategies opened.
Since my need was for support, I followed up with a friend who practices in the Zen tradition to see if he knew anyone who might be interested in volunteering. They were able to get two volunteers in there for the orientation the next week and for the upcoming day-long retreat the next month. Those volunteers may also be there with the men at some of their weekly sits. Ironically, the founder knew one of the women!
We shared our disappointment at not volunteering with the founder – who first got us in to sit. He said, “Showing up at the prison even one time is a great support to all the practice that goes on inside. And if the prison hadn’t scheduled the orientation for the three of you, I don’t think the two new volunteers would be going to the retreat tomorrow. So you have already provided a lot of support to the group.”
Yesterday I did some work with some inner city youth in Boston. One young man, at the end of the day expressed his gratitude for his family, friends and music. He pointed to the need’s wheel we handed out with the exercise. He looked me in the eye, pointing to a need and held it up. “It’s about survival,” he said. Maybe I can trust much more that the work I need to do will show up. It seems to keep happening.
Tags: gratitude, love, nonviolent communication
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July 15th, 2010 by Bonnie Mioduchoski
In this second post on the series of Right Speech & NVC we’re exploring the different aspects of right speech and how to work with them skillfully, incorporating NVC as a support.
Part #1: False Speech
“For the person who transgresses in one thing, I tell you, there is no evil deed that is not to be done. Which one thing? This: telling a deliberate lie.” – The Buddha
So, from a Buddhist perspective, telling a lie is setting the stage for all kinds of strategies that lead to more suffering for oneself and others.
The question of “lies” is a tricky one when examined from the NVC perspective. A lie is defined by the Webster dictionary as a) to make a statement that one knows is false, esp. with intent to deceive b) to make such statements habitually and 2. to give a false impression; deceive one. This is also tricky when viewed from Buddhism because delusion is such a fundamental piece of our experience as humans. Have you ever had the experience of saying something but realizing, while the words issued from your mouth, that it wasn’t true. Mid-sentence a little voice pops up – “Hmm…even I don’t believe this!”
We don’t see clearly how we’re trying to meet needs through recounting something that might not be based on facts. Often it’s to matter, to be seen, for acceptance. So from an NVC perspective, we don’t see “telling a lie” as wrong. We see it as an attempt to meet a need. Marshall sometimes calls this a “tragic attempt to meet a need,” because there may be other strategies that more fully satisfy those needs. For instance, if I add on some exciting details to a story, perhaps I’m meeting a need to be seen and for humor but am I meeting the need for authenticity? Often people tell a lie to protect themselves from punishment, shame, etc.
Now, let’s explore telling the truth when you don’t agree with something or when someone asks you to give an evaluation. For instance, if a friend asks, “Do you think I talk too much?” you may be reluctant to answer or feel awkward. In these situations I like to follow these steps:
- Self-empathy to connect with the difficulty of the situation and my lack of clarity in how to respond. This could lead to:
- Self-expression: honestly sharing what the experience is like for me and asking how that impacts the other person — or —
- Empathy: guessing the feelings and needs of the other
Following these steps helps me stay grounded and present so I can respond to the situation with authenticity, integrity and care. Further, if I am aware of my needs in the moment, I can approach this with self-connection rather than from a moralistic stance of “right and wrong.” I find this more helpful than understanding if what I am saying is “the truth.” In the example of “do I talk to much?” you might ask, “Are you anxious, wanting to know if I have space to say what I want?” or you could say, “I feel uncomfortable because I’d like to better understand your question. Is there something you’re worried about?” That could lead to your answering the question with more information and a response that addresses the underlying concern.
Please reflect on the following questions as your exploration into false speech.
Reflections on false speech exercise #1
- Describe a situation in which you find it hard to tell the truth. Please be as specific as possible so you can easily picture the example.
- How are you feeling in this situation? What is your internal experience like?
- What needs are you attempting to meet by not telling the truth in the situation you picked? Give yourself time to connect with these needs fully, opening to the feelings that arise. Stay with these needs until you have a sense of self-connection. As much as you can, do not shift to unmet needs. You may want to imagine holding the needs you’re trying to meet tenderly, embracing yourself with compassion for your choice.
- What needs are not met for you or others in not telling the truth? What feelings arise in you in relation to these unmet needs? Give yourself time to connect with the unmet needs fully, opening to the feelings that arise. Stay with these needs until you have a sense of self-connection.
- What needs would you be meeting by telling the truth?
- What are some ways you could respond to the situation by telling the truth (including an empathy guess, silence, honest expression)
- Take a moment to connect fully with all the needs you discovered, met or unmet. What feelings arise in you? Any new insights?
Please share any of your insights or comments here – we’d love to hear from you!
Tags: buddhist precepts, lies, mindfulness, right speech, skillful speech
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June 10th, 2010 by Bonnie Mioduchoski
In this series of blog posts I would like to explore the four parts of Right Speech (which I will often be referring to as “skillful speech”) as recorded in the Pali Canon, and taught by the historical Buddha:
- Abstain from false speech; do not tell lies or deceive.
- Do not slander others or speak in a way that causes disharmony or enmity.
- Abstain from rude, impolite or abusive language.
- Do not indulge in idle talk or gossip.
Practice of these four aspects of Right Speech means speaking truthfully and honestly; speaking in a way to promote harmony and good will; using language to reduce anger and ease tensions and using language in a way that is beneficial. When this is not the aim, teachers advise us to keep silent.
Five keys to right speech (from the Anguttara Nikaya):
- “Do I speak at the right time, or not?
- “Do I speak of facts, or not?
- “Do I speak gently or harshly?
- “Do I speak profitable words or not?
- “Do I speak with a kindly heart, or inwardly malicious?
In his book The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching, Vietnamese Zen teacher Thich Nhat Hanh said, “Deep listening is the foundation of Right Speech. If we cannot listen mindfully, we cannot practice Right Speech. No matter what we say, it will not be mindful, because we’ll be speaking only our own ideas and not in response to the other person.”
Nonviolent Communication (also known as NVC)
In this series, exploring the four parts of skillful speech, we will look at how nonviolent communication can support us in our practice of the dharma.
As Thich Nhat Hahn said above, deep listening is the foundation for right speech. I have experienced this deep listening as empathy. For me, empathy is when someone gives her or his full presence and is in connection not specifically with me, but with life and the energy between speaker and listener. It is a way of being present that supports connection, clarity and compassion but that is not about fixing or “helping.”
In my opinion, it is through empathy – for others and ourselves that we can hone skillful speech and create a quality of connection that is based in honesty, compassion and loving kindness.
Stay tuned for additional posts on this series!
Tags: buddhist precepts, daily practice, energy, mindfulness, nonviolent communication, NVC, right speech
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