The first time I heard this during a talk on a meditation retreat it was like I was hit with a bolt of lightening.At the time I wore size 6 pants and still believed I was fat. My whole life shrunk when I believed that thought. Without it I felt free and joyful, so I knew it had to be the belief of the thought, “I’m fat,” and not my body.
Thoughts themselves are harmless unless we believe them. “It’s not our thoughts, but the attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering.” The Buddha discovered this some 2500+ years ago, so it’s nothing new but it does bear repeating!
I meditate, I practice NVC and now I’ve discovered something called The Work by Byron Katie (who goes by Katie) which puts into a structured form what I heard on the retreat years ago. I love the powerful synergy of these three approaches.
Katie has used The Work with people since she had an awakening experience in the mid-80′s. The Work is an ongoing and deepening process of self-realization, not a quick fix. However, after doing the work, many people report an immediate sense of release and freedom from thoughts that were making them miserable.
Clarifying the observation in NVC helps us see our interpretation of events, just like the process of inquiry does with The Work. But often in Empathy we do not direct one another; we follow. With the work we direct. We take a judgement we believe to be true and turn it around. Is this judgment as true or truer when applied to ourselves? As she says in her book Loving What Is, “As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there” – as long as you think that anyone or anything else is responsible for your suffering – the situation is hopeless.” It can sometimes take hours of empathy for someone to move away from blame and to their needs. With The Work, I have seen this happen in a few minutes. “Inquiry combined with the turnaround is the fast track to self-realization.”
Now don’t get me wrong. I wholeheartedly believe in the power of empathy. I believe it can take us to great healing and freedom. And at the same time, I like how The Work helps with deeply rooted beliefs in a way that can amp up the effectiveness of NVC. For instance, I worked with the statement, “I should look different than I do.” I went through the four questions. I did the turnaround. I was in awe when I came to, “My body shouldn’t look different than it does.” How is that as true or truer? Reality. In this moment, it’s not possible for it to look different. So in this moment I can suffer or I can embrace reality. And then I can act. But when I believe the thought, I feel hopeless and it becomes a vicious circle!
At some level, I think these modalities and consciousness shifts all lead to the same place – less identification with our thoughts and more understanding and compassion.
If you are interested there are some free resources available at www.thework.com. They even have a free help line staffed by practitioners who can help you once you complete your “Judge Your Neighbor” worksheet. I have been doing the work regularly and find the inquiry process it describes happening on its own more and more. Check it out and let me know how you feel about what you encounter if you are willing!
Wishing you greater and greater freedom from the thoughts that cause you stress and suffering, in whatever way works for you!